I pretty much want to crawl into a hole right now and never do jiu-jitsu again. I know everyone always wants to read inspirational stories but sometimes you aren't going through an inspirational moment, you're going through a shitty one.
I have wanted nothing to do with BJJ since returning from the Worlds. Sure I was sick as hell for the first two weeks, but even last week I only managed to half-ass it through positional sparring one single night. I hadn't trained in 3 weeks and didn't want to compete at GQ but was going to be needed to drive people home from it. Of course I couldn't go up and NOT compete or I'd feel like a tool being that at this point I was perfectly healthy (even if out of shape and the heaviest I've been in months - I barely made weight and usually I'm 5 lbs under).
After an embarrassing half-ass display of semi-lazy jiu-jitsu and wanting to scream at anyone who complimented me since I knew inside that I hadn't given it my all, I headed home very annoyed at myself. The last few times I've competed (with the exception of the Absolute division at the Worlds) have just been embarrassing displays. I've received lectures about my efforts and the fact that I am competing below my potential after each one. And admittedly, I deserved every lecture.
Being in this state, it is really hard to accept all the congratulations and well wishes for being promoted last night. I definitely appreciate all the kind words; it's just hard to hear right now since I am so angry with myself after weeks and months of faltering physically and mentally. It will definitely be interesting to see my expressions in the photos from last night.
I really don't want to do BJJ this week but will probably go in to roll with Felipe one more time before he leaves, as I know that I would be angry with myself in a month’s time if I missed the opportunity that I've been looking forward to for so long.
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You are always your own worst critic and are harder on yourself than you would be on someone else in your position. It's very common.
ReplyDeleteFelipe is one of the best BJJ black belts on the world, and if he thinks you earned a purple, then why are you doubting his judgment?
Congrats! But what the heck this means I am going to have to wait a couple years to fight you again!!! If you come to Toronto I won't tell if you wear a wig and say you are someone else ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd although I am fairly new to BJJ I do know that everyone has their ups and downs and you'll get through this and kick some ass! (but I am not letting you kick mine again ;)
xoxo Melissa